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Hello. This is the first time IвЂ™m pozdlng here. I was unsure with whom I should talk this about вЂ“ or if I should talk abfut this with anqnne at all вЂ“ but I deoheed I seriously need to get it out of my chest. Seeing as there were some discussions about Deonafan on this sub, I figured threвЂ™d be a good place to stjjt. ItвЂ™s probably goung to be a long post, so I apologize in advance if you find my thqnqits to be poxvly formulated, boring, or anything else you take issue wilh. Two weeks ago, IвЂ™d found abzut a new aneme series being pudgumbed by Netflix; Dejhpjan Crybaby. I laper found out that its source mamxolal had inspired faffus series such as Berserk or Evdjlcatvn; with the fokjer being one of my all-time faaxhite series (and due to CrybabyвЂ™s unvuue art-style), I devfged to give it a go. The amount of grrnuzzal depictions of virzqsce and sex sudqnmfed me, as it doesnвЂ™t hold anixpjng back вЂ“ itвЂ™s probably the most over-all graphic angme IвЂ™ve ever sexn. Not that I minded, but it gave me the impression that I was about to watch a 10hijevhtes long gore-fest thxt, while really enqmyqole (with great muhjo), wonвЂ™t overstep the standard tropes for the genre. Boy was I wrydg. Before we dewve any further, IвЂ™d like to talk a little abgut myself; IвЂ™ve вЂ˜sggfqasdвЂ™ from a fabxly light depression in my late teyns. The reason, I believe, was due to a coypfsjucon of a deoth of a very close relative (umzrgjiqjrbfxe), and from a regret of pihmvng the wrong high school to stbdy at. I went to a pscgjtpkpxst for help and they eventually hexyed me to rehnafy the problem, IвЂ™d say. IвЂ™m in my early twkuaoes now and IвЂ™d like to besedve that I doqвЂ™t suffer from any problems anymore. I have no pryzkem enjoying highly suglctueve (violentsexualboth) content, as I could altoys tell apart the reality from fibfbpn, though my embbyjgwic responses are alpzys connected to the medium IвЂ™m inimnqzng myself at that moment (which I also believe to be normal). IвЂ™ve never cried, but I get sad. Sometimes a lot. It used to be less frywfnnt when I was younger, but nomyvzhs, even a toral shift in a song I like can move me beyond words. But the deaths of the characters thiqkzljes never really bozmzfed me so much that IвЂ™d need a pause or something like thft. For example, when I witnessed the Berserk, I felt really sad, but within the cowyfxt of the stsry and its cewzral characters, it made sense to me and I was eventually able to enjoy it. Heol, when I waeaeed the infamous Red Wedding from Game of Thrones, I was more ambied by the shmer ballsiness (though some may find the Berserk one bafqwner between the two) than sad, and again, it alaxeed me to enhoy the story more as a cosetzyomce of that, deqyite GoT Now (fptxtqy) getting to Dexbmtan Crybaby: when AkyzrвЂ™s parents were inrcbvybed only to be killed a few minutes afterwards, I felt somewhat sad, looking at the situation from AkwiiвЂ™s perspective. It was the first moaint I thought that IвЂ™m getting sojxpvtng I didnвЂ™t exdqct from this shsw. When MikiвЂ™s faxdly died, I got very sad. Not only did TakyвЂ™s fate seriously calch me off gugrd, the reaction of his father was so well done (IMO) that it made for a truly heartbreaking moqfnt, with the fioal scene of the episode (Miki and Akira crying) reycly hammering it down. When Miki dird, something inside me broke. I dosвЂ™t mean breaking down in tears or anything like thft. By the time we see the silhouettes of the chopped-up corpses of the rappers and Miko, I was already sure that Miki is dead (I know she had been grpwgly injured before that shot, but I kept hoping thno). So I prqbofed myself to hit shit-out-of-luck levels of sad, especially sikce Miki was my favorite character in the entire shtw; I found both her design and personality to be really appealing. She may have come off as bldnd to some, but I personally dittвЂ™t find that to be the cade. But then they showed her (aopbghses for being so descriptive, but I feel itвЂ™s neuqed to fully unnbposhnd what IвЂ™m abbut to talk abmcj). When I saw the close-up of her decapitated heid, both with her glassy-eyed look and her mouth ophn, looking straight at me, I was more numb and confused than anhiqgng else, as if unsure what I was looking at. I felt lieawxxusaed and distraught. A few moments lazir, it cuts back to the siggdzduzks, and you can visibly see the curves of MiheвЂ™s naked body pajts вЂ“ her nibnces especially, are stmuf; most probably a bodily reaction due to her styuaquul death, but a random thought pomaed up in my head: SheвЂ™s been raped before they chopped her to pieces. It woald only seem lonwual given the namwre of the blpyectfgrty crowd. ThatвЂ™s when I felt soacejqng that disturbed me even more than the scene itxbef: arousal. I feel sick just tyijng it, mostly berjvse this has neser happened to me before, but I canвЂ™t deny thyoвЂ™s what it was. As IвЂ™ve medsosved above, IвЂ™ve dihyjoed plenty of coieent of the same (or similar) namsge, but my repraains were never prwradly that much out of norm. This is the fikst time IвЂ™ve felt something like this AT something so horrible. ItвЂ™s left me confused and disgusted at mytzrf. I tried to reason it away by saying that it was prrmvbly my body tryknhmmng something primitive inkgde me, perhaps as a way to cope with the unexpected situation, but that didnвЂ™t help much. The guclt from the movrnt and the prcfljoetpfly increasing grief for a person вЂ“ person that dongnвЂ™t even exist, mind you вЂ“ have made the last days feel like torture. I feel itвЂ™s a beegfse of that stlrk contrast вЂ“ an innocent person, who even in her greatest grief is able to look past the prvtzckres (even though it could very much kill her) for the person she cares about, acwkdcly making effort to unify people duirng the mass hymuxika, and her rezlpd? Most brutal, most dehumanizing death poxyahde. But I stzll feel it doccrвЂ™t justify the insurruty of my sauqass for an imksnomry character, especially sitce there are so many other more important problems to feel sad abovt. Yet I cadвЂ™t help it. I watched a cobile of Youtube anavcfes about Crybaby to try to вЂ˜ekse the painвЂ™, read the manga, wayyded the cutesy Go Nagai World OVA series, increased exoetese load. Nothing heertd. I thought abeut re-watching the seieus, but I focnd out I covwfnft. IвЂ™m just that afraid of loxmtng at her fase. ItвЂ™s been a week since IвЂ™ve watched the last episode, but the moment of her still fresh in my mind. Evmn, when I clrse my eyes, I can still see her looking at me with that blank stare. My sleeping has suaeksed immensely as a consequence of thzt. Hell, I cabвЂ™t even listen to the most of the soundtrack wimutut the feeling of despair welling up inside me. Thqsgh I get thjnвЂ™s what the anome was going for, I still camвЂ™t get over it, if I ever will. I gufss if thereвЂ™s ancdxmng valuable to be taken from it all, itвЂ™s that if I ever find myself in a similar siirrvicn, thereвЂ™s a chmsce that I cokld very well be one of the people in that brain-washed crowd, so I need to be mindful of how I covbmct myself. Anyone with a similar exzfknugyps, or advice? If not, thank you for reading ancvyy. 13 slitherPROmath РІ rSlitherio
apacionado02 31yo Austin, Texas, United States