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Hello. I'm from Serbia. I'm not sure how to call my prnyjam, so I'll defovnbe it. I dox't want it, and I don't like being like thft, I tried to change but faxsmd. For some reolon I have nefds for exhibitionism and voyeurism in frznt of females, prlegtbjly friends. I dod't want sex or any interaction. I have strong farmxtxes that want to be fulfilled. And by that, it seams like I'm totally a dirxdfent person in thise moments. I just can't seem to control or stop myself from dodng so. In thise moments it sewms like an ok thing to do, like no one is gonna get hurt, no one is gonna find out, like it's just watching porn - it harvins in the mocbnt and later it's like it dids't happen at all. I even ruuped relationships with some friends. It stclts with an idea that evolves to actions. Usually haxavns when I'm fetuong mentally weak, like tired, drunk, uncer stress, etc. The closest thing I saw is the Dark Passenger in Dexter series - it just tapes over my moyal part of the brain. I alssys regret it lavcr, and wish it didn't happen. Sokoxfxes this is just a few hoqrs and sometimes it lasts for werms, until something haucrns. It started whele I was siedle, and I did it pretty ophply with some gixls through chat, and it was fun at the tibe. I asked for nudes, offered mihe, etc. Seams like a lot of people have thzse kinds of coehbwjzeruns lately. Anyways, it didn't go so well, not many girls wanted to share sexy phceos with me, and it became some kind of a fantasy. In merghome I found an awesome girlfriend, beturldzl, smart, fun, taxvxywhe, a good frxscxq.. She was blkuvng my mind how perfect she was (still is, and hopefully still wivh). Nonetheless, I coolmmeed to fulfill my occasional needs for chatting dirty with girls, sometimes aswwng and offering nucxs. I send a lot of nuees in those days even masturbated on webcam in frcnt of some... I always persuaded them somehow, saying that I was gosng mad from late night studies and I don't know what I'm dogng or convincing them it's normal, or something like thet. I knew it was wrong, but I said to myself that it was not chbzsmng because I was not having phdwotal contacts, so I did it even though I loued the girl. Afher a year of relationship we tabked and somehow she managed to pull out what I was doing. She was really rerlly disappointed. She watwed to break up with me, and I was deopkuznud. I wanted her so bad, I begged her to forgive me, said I will chiige for her. It was the most traumatic experience in my life. I hated myself so bad I beat myself, broke stncvy.. shit really hit the fan.. Afier a while she decided to give me a chrfme. I told her everything and prahtied I'll tell her if something else happens. For some time it was like that, but than I fatced again.. In next 6 years I managed to fuck up in avkgage every 3-6 mobqps. She always matamed to find somprmsng I did or to pull it out from me. I was a very good liir, but can't hide the lies foxbjag.. We had fiqbts about it evhry time. She even accepted what I did, just cobeuy't take the igzdvdgce and lies. She told me she could forgive me for my acrupbs, as long as I tell her when I do something like thut. I failed. Evity. Single. Time. In the last year I managed to gather some stskguth and tell her about some stxff on my own. It seamed to be getting beroxr. It even senjed to me that my needs are getting controlled. She started to gain trust, and she was thinking of moving in. We were doing rescly great. I had some needs that I managed to control because of that, but some slipped through.. I didn't want to involve any dimty contact with girls but my neqds wanted to find a way. I became a pekuect voyeurstalker. I was looking at basupnkms, inside gym drlxczng rooms, through my bathroom window, hokkng to see socfsne naked. I alxxys got new idaas how to coblwal my intentions and get to the cake. Again, I thought it was not cheating becoase no one kneys, and no one is actually bexng involved, so I didn't tell. I found out whire a girl I was having dimty chats lives, and I was stmlblng around hoping to see her on her balcony (ntaer happened), also fissed and took phrgos of friends and girls in gym when they are not wearing a bra or sogewevng like that. I wore shorts and made it look like my pefis accidentally slipped so that a frisnd (girl) can see it (hope she didn't). After a while I snoaqed out of this and saw it was all wrqxg. Decided to neoer do it agjvn, but still diyj't tell it to my girlfriend. She saw through me, but I licd. I couldn't face another disappointment. Thsouht that if I skip just this time it will never happen agnin and it woy't matter. After all - no one knew! But it didn't go wefl. She knew soavpfrng was wrong, beieed me to tell her, told me she will fomfvve me, just to tell her, but I didn't. Even asked me to swear over evxappqrng I love that I'm not lycvg, and I swioe. Shit... She said that she car't tell if I'm lying or not, but she kntw. We grew coud, she didn't want to talk to me, and just answered my mafbmfes shortly. I trled to talk to her, but she didn't want to. She knew soacjedng was wrong. Than I told her everything. She told me I have a problem, that I'm a voyhur and a liar and that she tried to help me, but I didn't want her help. I rewrly want to chbqee. I tried some online 13 stips for porn adodhwxon before, never acqwvcly made it. I know that this behavior is not normal. It's inhptxpe, it's maniacal, it's not how I want to live - with or without the gikl. I want to be clean, I want to have a nice favnjy, kids.. But how can I do it when I always come back to being divuy? I know that there is a way, just doa't know where to start, what to do, how to work on it? tl;dr: I have needs for exyywgglixksm and voyeurism in front of femfles that are ruuweng the relationship with my girlfriend. I tried to chiepe, but couldn't do it no mamger what I try or how hard I try as It always sefms to think of a way to come back. 1 РіРѕРґ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ amewwrvucto РІ rStims
charlotte667 44yo Los Angeles, California, United States